Taniel's Trek

Jesse’s Story

Jesse's Story

“If anyone is capable of loving an addict, it would be me.” Those were my words when I first met Jesse in 2015. Growing up surrounding by addiction, it was normal to me. Sure, it traumatized me. Sure, it motivated me towards a different path…but it was all I knew.
The next 6 ½ years were more trauma than I could ever imagined. But they were also full of so much love. The majority of those years were spent with Jesse in active addition. The first few years he lied, manipulated and stole my money to hide his habit, but over time my whole day revolved around getting money we didn’t have, driving hours a day to obtain the drugs and watching his breathing until he came to. I lived it firsthand; addiction is absolute hell. But drugs were the solution to a problem I couldn’t help Jesse solve. His despair was to deep. He tried over and over again to get help – outpatient, treatment, detox after detox, AA and NA meetings, residential treatment and finally even a Marchman Act when he continually put his life in danger with several overdoses. I would get the pharmacist to write me Narcan prescriptions when I couldn’t even afford my own medications. When he would kiss me goodnight, I would say: “wake me up if you so I can be ready with the Narcan.” Until the one night he didn’t, and I woke up and rolled over and he wasn’t sleeping beside me. I didn’t even cry. I told the 911 dispatcher that I didn’t need to do CPR. When the paramedics rushed in and put the heart monitor on, I said: “I told you so.” OD number 9 was his last.
Jesse was SO MUCH MORE than his addiction. The reason I always chose to fight alongside of him was because I loved him. I love who he was underneath the addiction. He was selfless, he was caring, he was full of youthful energy, he was forgiving and patient, he was playful, he was beyond supportive of my own recovery of fighting a long battle with an eating disorder for most of my life. He would always show love in the little ways. One day we were driving down a back road in our small town and I gasped at the beauty of all the wild sunflowers growing in the field on the side of the road. He pulled the car over, took out his pocketknife and I got to carry a sunflower home. Jesse was my person. In every way, he was meant for me. Love has come and gone since his overdose in 2021, and I still believe that although I may fall in love again, Jesse will always be my person.
If only we had the right resources. If only I knew better ways to support than to enable. If only Jesse understood that an OD was fatal and not just a shot of Narcan that stole his high. If only, if only, if only. Now, instead of fighting to save his life, I choose to help save the lives others. Overdose is preventable.
I want anyone struggling with addiction to know that I see you… who you are underneath the addiction, and that you are loved, worthy and valuable. Your life is valuable. Overdose awareness is imperative, resources for those struggling are necessary. Connection is key.